I was terrified.
I sat alone in the county health clinic, waiting.
My husband was deployed, and he had returned to Iraq after his 2-week R&R over a month ago. Everyone else I knew was either at work or in class.
So, I sat alone and terrified. Who did God think I was? I wasn’t ready.
A knock came from the other side of the door. The knob turned. The pretty nurse with the curly brown hair came in with a smile. “Well, it’s positive. You’re pregnant.”
I’m pretty sure all the blood drained from my face. I must have looked faint because the nurse’s smile turned to a frown, and she furrowed her brow. “Are you okay?”
“Did you plan for this?”
I shook my head.
“Do you want to be pregnant?”
It struck me as an odd question. Did I want to be pregnant? Of course, I did! That’s when I pushed aside the fear and opened my heart to the overwhelming joy. My head and heart were swimming all the way back to the bank where I worked. I stepped inside and froze. Everyone gave me a strange look. I had planned on waiting until I could talk to my husband, but I couldn’t wait. It was bursting out.
“I’m pregnant!” Tears ensued among the many congratulations and hugs.
I can honestly say there is nothing more terrifying, more overwhelming, more joyful, more satisfying than being a mother–at least in my life.
One thing you have to understand is that from the time I was about 16, I thought I couldn’t have kids. When I was born, I had surgery to remove a tumor. The docs told my parents that the medicines would most likely ruin my reproductive system. I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids.
When I found out, I was devastated. This is what women were supposed to do when they grew and got married, right?
So, all THREE of my children are double blessings, in my opinion.
This is what I’ve learned as a mother:
1. Children are a REWARD and a BLESSING from the Lord. (Ps. 127, Duet. 7:14)
2. God chooses the parents for the child. (Ps. 139:13-16)
3. Children are a gift! (James 1:17, Eph. 2:10)
Being a mother is serious business. It requires strength, sacrifice, and consistency. I have had to learn a lot, and grow up a lot, since becoming a mom. I’ve had to let go of my selfishness to allow the Lord to turn me into a mother.
My children have to be a priority.
We’ve all seen what happens to many kids without strong parental figures. They get lost in a world that overwhelms them, they know only survival. They know little of true love and compassion, of sacrifice, of grace and forgiveness. Who is to teach these to the children?
As a mom, I am charged with bringing up my children, teaching them about God and what He’s done for us. It’s my job to raise them to be decent, caring people who love people more than things, who want to go deeper and be stronger–who want to be more than I am.
What a huge, overwhelming responsibility. I could screw these children up with my hypocrisy and weaknesses. What if I’m responsible for the damage instead?
What if I think entirely too much of my ability to screw them up, and way too little on God’s ability to influence their hearts?
God is with me. I may make mistakes–correction, I will (and have) make mistakes–but God knew that I would. He knew I would have to learn, but He also knew that I would love and cherish these children like no other woman could. He picked the perfect mom for just these kids.
And He also made it so that this mother’s heart refuses to rest. I have been blessed with 3 bundles of joy, but that is not enough. There are thousands, if not millions, of children around the world in desperate need of homes, of parents who will teach and guide them, of families who will show them what love and compassion in. And that is why my husband and I are pursuing adoption this year.
I wasn’t called to be perfect. I was called to be a mother. To love and cherish the little ones as Jesus commanded. To be that light in a child’s life that reflects the love God has for all His children.